On May 17th I celebrated my 48th birthday. That was great! I was reminded at 7am when I went for my run that I AM ALIVE! It was the first time I had ever ran 6 miles and even yet I ran more than 6 miles. The night before when I went to bed, I declared a new "birthday" tradition for myself. Every year I want to run on my birthday and push it harder than the year before!!! So it was a great start for 2014 at age 48. WOW!!!
As my mood changes....May 19 came and I was reminded of my dad's birthday. 4 years ago on my dad's birthday, Ramon, Julia, Andrew and I were on vacation. It was our last day at Disneyland. Around lunch time I took time to call my dad and wish him a happy birthday. He didn't answer. 30 minutes later, he calls me back. He had been running errands and was heading back from Midland to get ready for church that evening. He was so excited because he and mom were going to lead prayer that night in church for the pastor. He was getting ready to get his guitar and list of songs to lead that night. He was feeling good and so happy. He was telling me how he had led a friend (my brother-in-laws father) to God and how he was enjoying bringing him to church and watching him grow in God. Conversation is over, we hang up and I'm done.
The day was coming to an end and we were doing our last shopping at Disneyland. My phone rings again. This time it's my oldest sister calling to tell me that dad is being rushed to Lubbock, he had a stroke. My life has been interrupted with a phone call that changed the trajectory of my life........
The drive to the restaurant was somber. I was sad. I was concerned. I didn't know what was going on. We eat dinner. We get back to our hotel. I am exhausted in all ways imaginable.....I fall asleep so heavy. All I can remember is that I am sound asleep and my phone rings again......another call that continues to change the trajectory of my life.....
My sister is on the other end informing me that it does not look good. Dad is pretty much on life support. So yeah, at this point on my father's 70th birthday, he is fixing to leave me forever. So as I hang up the phone and cry yet even more, all I can think is to get home.
We arrive in Arizona for our next stop. We had planned on staying in Arizona for 2 days before we headed home from our vacation. We stayed only one day. At this point, I do not want to go see my dad hooked up to machines. This is not the last image I need to see of him. We tried looking for flights so I could leave, but it was ridiculous. Needless to say, we stayed the night so I could rest and then headed out the following day.
May 21st is here. It's time to get up and head home to re-pack and then head to Big Spring. First things first, the third phone call. This one I was expecting. It was my sister once again. My brother had finally arrived in Lubbock to see dad. Pretty much my mother and my siblings and I had decided to keep dad on life support until my brother arrived. Now comes my turn. The room where my dad is is quiet. My sister calls me so I can say my good-byes. Over the phone....I say my good-bye to my dad. I had written down my thoughts that morning, but pretty much could hardly utter out the words. All I know is that saying good-bye to your father over the phone......is the hardest thing. So I finished, spoke with my sister, cried with my sister, hung up. I cried with Ramon. Time to go home. On top of all of this......May 21 is Ramon's birthday. Now that we are coming up on 4 years since my dad passed, it has gotten a little easier. I remember the first year after his passing how guilty I felt. I felt guilty because I was happy and celebrating my husbands birthday and then I would get sad because I was beating myself up for "forgetting" that my dad was not there. Sounds silly, but yep, this is what I went through for awhile.
4 years are here. Am I sad? Yes. Have I cried? Yes. Has each year gotten better? Yes. Do I miss my dad? Yes. Will I continue to miss him? Yes. Is this normal? Yes. The greatest thing in my life since all this happened, is what I am doing now.
Remember what I wrote...."a phone call that changed the trajectory of my life..."? Well it did. It has. Ever since May 19, 2010.....I knew deep down in my heart I needed change. I was headed down the same path that would lead me to death. High Blood Pressure, borderline diabetic, OBESE. Yep, those 3 things sum it all up.
No I did not start right away. I went through a lot before I decided to change my life. I went through a year of still thinking I was okay. Well, I wasn't. Slowly I began to make changes. I started walking. I started cooking better. I started making small steps. I went to a counselor to help me with my grieving. I began to come out of my funk. My marriage had to heal. My relationships had to heal. From May 2010 to January 2011, I had to make some major changes in my life...and so I did.
Here is my story.
January 2011, I joined a workout gym. I began to hit it everyday. I made even more drastic changes on my eating. I began to feel better about myself. There were small changes happening to me. One of those small changes was my high blood pressure meds. My doctor was cutting it down in little pieces.
June 21, 2013, I knew I needed more so I found a nutritionist. Here is where my life really changed. Here is where I had to face my demons. Here is where I had to face my addiction: FOOD! Yep, I had to face the ONE THING THAT I RAN TO FOR COMFORT...FOOD! The ONE THING that gave me the excuse to be me. The ONE THING that makes it all go away. So my first day with my nutritionist I went in weighing 203 pounds. It's not only the pounds folks, it was the fat. The ugliness of fat that was inside of my body that was KILLING ME. I walked out of there with the biggest challenge in my life. I would have to choose LIFE over FOOD. I would have to choose every single item that I put in my body.
March 2014, I go visit my doctor. She completely takes me OFF of my high blood pressure. I'm done! No more ever again.
May 16, 2014, I went in for a follow-up with my nutritionist. I lost another 3 pounds of fat. Total to the day I have lost 54 pounds. I went in wearing a size 18, I am wearing a size 8.
This past month was a struggle. I know that I am still working hard and that I MUST CONTINUE to make the right choices to live. My nutritionist put it this way for me. You are no longer climbing, you are now coming down this hill. And this is even harder. When we are coming down from this incline of hard work, we know we are almost to the end. We know that it's easier coming down and "I've got this in the bag", we coast......WRONG! Now that I have been running, I've learned that when you are coming down from a hill, it's even harder!!!!! Why? Because if you do not support yourself and hold yourself back you will come down that hill flat on your face or on your butt! You will hurt your thighs, shins, hams, you name it! You have to use all those muscles to hold yourself not to accelerate your speed or will come tumbling down.
So yes, as I am coming down this long hill I've been climbing, June 21, 2014 is coming quickly, and it will be my one year mark that I started this new life choice of clean eating. I am keeping my pace and I am looking forward to NOT FINISH, but CONTINUE and PERSEVERE!!!
So as I live this life at 48......all I can say is....Thank you God for saving me. I know it's still sad to think that my father passed away and I will not see him, but one day I will. And I know that he is looking over me. I know he is very proud of me and what I am doing to live! I also know that it's okay to celebrate my hubby's birthday on the 21st. This year he will be 50....and I want to celebrate it with him and my kids. I want to enjoy his day with laughter and love.
As I look forward to doing so many more things with my life.
Right now.......all is well with my soul.
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| This song speaks volumes about my story. On my 48th birthday this is what I gave to myself. It's permanent, it hurt, but it's there FOREVER to remind me! |
